


Lightening Rod

by Towelhun (momhuey)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Established Relationship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, SeTao, TaoHun - Freeform, taose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-18 20:40:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2361485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momhuey/pseuds/Towelhun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote about this concept of Lightening Rod in String of Gold and LOVED it.  I couldn't wait to explore it more.  How it ended up like this?  I never know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lightening Rod

"Have you been to the Internet yet?" Sehun said cheerfully and poked at a rumpled magazine in his hands. Then he continued without waiting for Tao to answer. "Dispatch is getting totally trashed. TaoHunnies are going to burn their building down." He shook his head. "Fuckers couldn't be happier."

Tao didn't say anything. He just stared at the same closet door he'd been looking at since Sehun had come into his room and propped himself against the pillow next to him.

"And the fan girls..." Sehun laughed. "There's an explosion of new websites. About half are spamming chibi gifs while pleading with their gods and ISP's to promise that TaoHun is real. The other half are whipping up websites for the other 65 possible EXO ships."

"It was so funny," Sehun's laugh sounded strained, "Lu Han hyung and Min-seok hyung came to my room and said that the Internet could do whatever the hell it wanted, but under no circumstances was Lu Han hyung doing HunHan again."

Tao looked over when Sehun continued in a strange tone. "And it seems that smart money is on BaekTao."

Tao still said nothing, only looked at Sehun impassively.

Sehun’s smile slipped. "Anyway, you, Huang ZiTao are a genius."

Tao turned back to the closet door. "If I was a genius, I wouldn't have picked a monumental dick four years ago."

Sehun stood up and turned his attention to the same closet door.

"A dick," he repeated and nodded. "I guess that's better than a non-entity."  Tao saw Sehun’s hands shaking before he shoved them into his pockets. "So you did do this to get rid of me."

Tao stood as well. "What's there to get rid of?" He pushed his hands through his hair. He had a serious urge to punch something or someone. After taking several deep breaths he turned his back on Sehun. "Isn't Jorge or Huan or whoever the fuck waiting for you next door?"

Sehun stalked to the door that separated his and Tao's hotel rooms and grabbed the door handle. "Let's see," he said looking thoughtful, "today's concept was that you are madly in love with me." He tapped his lips a few times. "I think tomorrow's will be that I stand on the other side of the stage and ignore you."

Then he stomped into his room and slammed the door.

Tao stood there in front of the window, his vision alternating between the city skyline and his own reflection.

Yes, Tao was a genius. Seriously, he was good at what he did. In fact, he was probably the best. He was a major contributor to what EXO and twelve individual artists were today; household names in countries around the globe. In terms of EXO's success, there wasn't much he couldn't accomplish. If he was just given some fucking time.

Still, even though this latest campaign was good and got the results he wanted, he wasn't sure why he did it. It was divisive as hell. Could something good come of it? He didn't know, but what he did know was that things couldn't get much worse. At least when it came to his heart.

It had been kind of funny even though Tao didn't really do funny anymore. All he'd done was get copies of three genuine, pre-debut emails and give them anonymously to Dispatch. They were always looking for conspiracy and these emails were the mother lode.

The first email was from him to SM corporate; his first official business as, what they'd all called, EXO's lightening rod. It presented a plan for fan service, but not just any fan service. He argued for the creation of an OTP who would be in it together at least until contracts were up. A couple who would throw the girls a steady stream of carefully devised bones. Girls wanted something solid, something stable, and something they could believe in.

He'd suggested himself and Oh Sehun. He believed that having EXO's maknaes together would have a lot of appeal to girls, if marketed right. They wanted romance, young love, and babies. Fan girls could ship them and mother them at the same time.

He'd also argued that, although he was good looking and a pretty good dancer, Sehun had no reputational baggage; he was essentially a non-entity. Even though it had been written four years ago, when Sehun had seen that email two weeks ago, it was another step down into the pit that was becoming their relationship. No amount of explanation on Tao's part had helped because Sehun carried insecurity from the day SM picked him out at that mall years ago. They’d been interested in his looks and uninterested in anything else that made up Sehun. They hadn't cared if he had any skills or even a brain.   Sehun's brain was way above average but they just wanted him to keep his mouth shut.

The second email was from Sehun, copying several SM staff members, in response to a meeting he'd had with corporate. His email was his agreement to the arrangement. It detailed additional monetary compensation he would receive for the assignment.

The third and final email was from Tao to Sehun about the assignment. He explained that they were getting ready to walk a fine line for a long time. Fan service was about fantasy and would have huge impact on EXO’s popularity. A portion of the fans wanted to believe their favorite ship was BFF's. Another portion wanted them to be in a romantic relationship. They wanted them to be gay while at the same time wanting them to not be gay. Their interactions needed to cater to both and neither. Essentially, they would be attached at the hip, but there would be no possibility of being caught doing anything indicating a physical gay relationship. Fans could be counted on to find evidence that suited them.

Still, hearing the slam of Sehun's door a few minutes ago, Tao though that maybe he was tired of this job. He'd though it would be fun and exciting, and it had been, but at the same time he was building EXO, he'd built himself a trap. Genius? A better word would be 'clueless.'

He remembered his first interview with SM. And it had been an interview, not an audition. He had no demo tapes or videos, no high res headshots or rep book. All he had was a piece of paper with his vital statistics and two words scrawled in Korean by his own hand; Lightening Rod. SM had been intrigued enough to hear him out.

He'd talked about the careful use of social media and public appearance. He talked about his willingness and commitment to being the EXO lightening rod. He'd use his face, his body, his mind and his words. He didn't worry about whether he looked polished or awkward, silly or suave, smart or stupid. He'd balance that while taking care to not tarnish EXO. He'd keep people's eyes on him, and by default EXO.

When they'd asked what his qualifications were, what made him think he could do this job, he explained that he was a young gay male. This made him besties with nearly every girl he knew. They thought he was an adorable, yet manly, fluffy bunny and about lost their minds in bliss whenever he was seen with another good looking male. However, they had no interest in actually seeing or even imagining the reality of homosexual male sex, which girls would definitely not find romantic. Basically they wanted fantasy; as far as they let themselves imagine in the vaguest possible sense, gay males had no genitalia. Tao had some valuable, rare insights and said he could fill a library with a discussion on the workings of the female mind and why it yearned for fantasies about homosexual male relationships. Scandalized enough, they'd declined the tutorial.

They'd bought it and had given him a year. He needed to learn how to actually be an EXO member, which meant learning to dance. He was good looking and physically coordinated so that was not an issue. Surprisingly his Korean was already pretty good, because Tao was driven that way, but Tao had wanted it to be a secret. It would add to his own mythos, not to mention the whole romantic, communicating with only soulful looks thing.

He'd proved his worth from the start. He knew he had to get people's attention and the only thing he could control in the beginning was himself. His Wushu teasers had nothing to do with Kpop, and for that very reason they were the two most talked about cuts. Some thought he was awesome and some sneered and wondered what the hell someone who couldn't sing or dance was doing in a Kpop group, but it didn't matter; they were talking about EXO, blogging about EXO, looking up EXO videos and downloading EXO photos. The Internet was alive with EXO.

For their first video, History, he'd been given some authority and had designed the individual member bust shots segment and its concept. Basically he showed thirteen year old girl, thirteen year old girl, eight year old girl, thirteen year old girl, and then when it came to him, it was 'I'll fuck you up.' The other eleven members were pretty, pretty princess; he was dark and a little scary. EXO had its very own bad boy complete with a skull themed wardrobe and enough ear piercings to keep Korea’s jewelry industry running for the next decade.

While fans were trying to learn the names and faces of the other eleven members, the Internet was abuzz with 'Tao.' And while they were looking at Tao, they were looking at EXO. The Vice President of SM actually high-fived Tao as they passed each other in the hallway one afternoon.

Tao was willing to go all the way for EXO. He never appeared the same way twice; there wasn't a hair color or style he hadn't tried. The visual aspect became an adventure that attracted the most avante garde hair and makeup artists in the business. Yes, Tao was the EXO bad boy, except on the days he was the EXO transvestite. Other EXO members started giving this notion a serious look and drugstores near the dorm were always out of fashion hair colors.

The Happy Camp and other variety show appearances were legendary, having been uploaded to YouTube in dozens of languages and watched literally millions of times. He made himself laughable and adorable at the same time while not stealing the stage, at least deliberately. By looking silly, vaguely unaware of what was going on around him, childish and narcissistic, the other members of EXO looked good. The other eleven were invited to tell embarrassing yet provocative shower time stories and send him off to post number one, in order to show off their own humanity and loyalty to the EXO family via their tolerance and affection for their adorable, slightly odd little brother. They got to display their own humor and charm, often at Tao's expense, exactly as Tao wanted it.

Then there was the ISAC event, euphemistically called "Gay Day." Tao had already started wondering about the wisdom of matching himself up with Sehun as EXO's royal couple because he'd fallen for his prepackaged soul mate. Sehun was wicked smart and bitingly funny and attracted to Tao. Real life TaoHun had been impossible to resist.

The fans didn't attend that event for the sports and Tao knew that, so, in spite of his doubts, he put together his proposal and had asked SM to sign off on as much monogamist fan service as they could cram into that day while going as close to their self-imposed boundaries as they could get.  This was a rare opportunity and he fully intended that TaoHun, a name that was gaining a huge following online, be _the_ center of attention, standing out from the dozens of other Kpop idols in attendance.  He wanted every fan girl camera phone zoomed in on them.

It was a giant success. To this day there were thousands of YouTube videos that were now staples of the TaoHun fandom because the focus was them. Fan girls saw genuine because it was.

Then Tao's resolve and commitment to EXO was required again. He kept a close eye on TaoHun on the Internet, watching the most popular forums and feeds. Fueled somewhat by the homophobic faction, statistics started making their way into conversations. It was absolutely impossible for there to be two gay males in EXO. Statistics said so.  The BFF contingent was still firmly in place, but fan girls' attentions were starting to wander. It was true that they were sometimes wandering to other EXO ship incarnations, but those had no basis, no backstory or time to marinate so the evidence wasn't just scarce, it was completely non-existent. Until Tao could get some meat on the bones of other ships, TaoHun was the only EXO game in town.

He and Sehun talked about it and the only solution was to strongly suggest that they were gay.  Sehun was pretty resistant, his overall insecurities rearing their heads. Plus he was afraid; homosexuality in Korea was taboo. If he was out, his mandatory military service would be a nightmare. He agreed to pink hair and the occasional wiggly fingered wave, but didn't want or even really know how to do more.

That left Tao, who worked gradually up to taking full advantage of Showtime. While Tao flitted and giggled, Sehun did cooperate with a decent amount of physical contact that, if you squinted could fall into BFF territory and keep him straight for those who wanted it that way. By now most of the rest of EXO was onboard for a significant amount of touchy-feely affection, and fan girls flocked to their couches for every episode. By episode twelve, audiences were huge and had found what SM had wanted them to see; the absolute charm of each EXO member and their genuine affections for each other. TaoHun, sixty five other possible ships, and EXO were flying high.

Then came the beginning of the end of Tao's personal fairy tale; the departure of Kris. Only an idiot in the industry didn't know it was coming. Kris had been whining for a while about wanting other opportunities. But Kpop management was pretty firmly entrenched, so much so that contracts always included clauses prohibiting any extra-curricular activities.

An opportunity came up for Kris and when SM slapped his contract on the table and gave him a resounding 'hell no,' Kris chose his path. Tao wished him well.

Tao had started thinking about the situation the moment he got a whiff of the potential issue with Kris. He actually thought that giving idols other opportunities was a good thing for their group and their company. It was just going to take framing his campaign properly.

Then the day came. Kris was gone. Some members were angry, some were glad. Most resented the opportunities they might be missing. Tao saw the potential for more abandonments. This fell into his purview of building EXO, so he marshalled his arguments and sat down with the president of SM. He argued that letting the members participate elsewhere did several things, not the least of which was keep them happy.

Tao knew that there was a musical coming in which Baekhyun would open a vein to participate. Giving Baekhyun the go ahead would make him very, very happy. A happy Baekhyun was incredibly likable and super charming. Also, Baekhyun was a phenomenal singer. People would attend his musical and rush home to look him up. They would find him, his charms and his voice on the EXO roster. Tao reminded them that networks generated by word of mouth were powerful things; just like the networks that were sending EXO into the tops of charts and Most Popular Group awards podiums.

So Tao got the green light. He combed all the resources he could think of to find opportunities for the members. Running Man, Law of the Jungle, Singing in the Rain, the prime time Korean drama market, Roommates, other artists' music videos. EXO's audience was growing and starting to include other demographics.

Starting a short time after Tao started tackling this, a chill started invading his private relationship with Sehun. Tao hadn't found anything for Sehun but it said nothing about Sehun, Tao just hadn't found the right thing for him yet. Always insecure, Sehun worked himself into a snit, and being somewhat childish, he took it out on Tao. Shortly after this started, Tao began to wonder if Sehun had stopped taking his meds.

Then Sehun got tired of waiting and decided he could do Tao's job better than Tao. He would decide his own concepts and build his brand himself. And while he was at it, he would punish Tao. Sehun's parting shot earlier this evening was more of this. Concerts and public appearances started to become crap shoots.   Sehun would decide the interactions with Tao; sometimes he'd be happy, sometimes loving, sometimes indifferent. Sometimes he'd be an asshole.

The Bangkok press conference still made his stomach churn.  They got a ration of shit afterwards from the hosts for not paying the slightest attention to the interviewers or the fans.  Sehun had decided that he needed to remind Tao of all his shortcomings throughout.  He leaned over again and again and with an adoring smile, whispered to Tao all the things wrong with him.  At one point, Tao was in mid word answering a question when Sehun reached over, pushed his arm down and took over.  Miraculously finding a matching besotted smile, Tao pleaded with him to stop.  Tao still got the creeps over it. 

Tao still bristled over the Kolon Sport photo shoot. Sehun had decided that the shoot would be better if he was with Chanyeol, in spite of the producer's preplanned concept. Tao was just disgusted over Sehun's efforts to piss him off by playing patty cake and laughing at him with Chanyeol. And fuck Chanyeol for always being happy to stir up shit. Most of the photos they took of Tao that day had to be scrapped because he couldn't shake the look that said "Fuck off and die."

Tao's next project, the world tour, made the brass pretty happy. He'd explained that giving the fan girls what they wanted would slay their attendance numbers, as if stadiums could hold more fans. With that in mind it was pretty straight forward; fan girl gets to see EXO hottie boyfriends kiss.

For one portion of the concert, one lucky fan girl would get a seat on the stage and, after a mob of dream guys danced around her and gave her undivided attention, two members of EXO would plant themselves in front of her face and kiss, or at least come close enough to be convincing.

There had been no possible way for TaoHun to be the kissing couple, even though the world seemed to think that was the proper order of things. Sehun had become too unpredictable; he might decide kicking Tao in the nuts was a better choice.

The successes continued. Projects for members were coming in from all over the place. EXO was hugely popular throughout all of Asia and its charming, delightful, talented members were eager and a pleasure to work with. There were opportunities for Sehun, but Tao couldn’t tell him through the doors that were slammed in his face.

When SM started getting nervous about their scattering members, Tao proposed another project that would still let the members branch out, but be controlled by the company; 90:2014. Tao had been excited about this brainstorm because it would include all eleven members by design. Sehun would have his music video; hopefully the first of many opportunities.

But it just continued to get worse. Tao suspected it was partially his meds and partially because Sehun wasn't getting the reaction he wanted from him...or a vicious circle of both. By now, Tao had reached his pinnacle of stress during public appearances and had fallen over the other side into some degree of apathy. It started to show that he didn't care anymore. Whether Sehun was close or on the other side of the stage, the famous TaoHun spark was just gone.

It consoled him that the majority of TaoHunnies, bless their deluded hearts, didn't seem to notice. He'd watched the sites and had almost been amused at the emerging pattern. The time honored tradition was that after a concert, fan taken photos and videos would appear and the squealing would commence. Lately though, there were times that several concerts in a row wouldn't produce even one piece of TaoHun gold. The number of throwback photos and chibi gifs grew in proportion to the dwindling quantity of satisfying current shots in order to keep a balance. Fan girls still swooned, timelines evidently not one of their specialties.

Sehun had always been childlike and Tao had honestly loved that innocent part of him. But he'd never seen this vindictive childishness before. He was now convinced that Sehun had quit taking the Lithium he used to control his bipolar. Of course there was no way Sehun would talk to Tao about it and Tao had no idea what to do.

The last few weeks Sehun had gone just about too far, impacting more than just Tao. A couple of weeks ago during a TLP concert, most of which Sehun didn't get within fifty feet of him, Sehun stalked over to him out of the blue, grabbed a handful of his shirt and aggressively shoved him back a step. He hadn't seen Sehun coming so it scared the ever-loving shit out of him. Then he said something in Tao's ear; Tao never did figure out what it was but assumed it would probably hurt him. When he saw the video of it later he wondered how the hell Sehun could do that in front of 20,000 people. He wasn’t sure if SM would let something like that go or not. They did though because again, no one outside of EXO seemed to see it.

Another recent thing was something that he should have seen coming but had been working under love blindness. A couple of months prior, he and Sehun had been in a hallway, Tao had been in near-drag-queen mode, and Sehun had pulled out a recorder. Not really unusual but it hadn't happened in a long time.

"Let me film you," he'd said. They'd played around a bit and Tao had been kind of happy, but evidently the theme of this shoot had been manliness and Sehun had insulted Tao by informing him that he’d failed. Twice.

Fuck if he didn't see that same video on worldwide television during Sehun's 90:2014 segment. The thing had absolutely nothing to do with the show's concept, and frankly hijacked the attention from the senior and his song, but Sehun had managed to get it inserted. The whole world had watched Tao being humiliated and Sehun's icy excuse was that his 90:2014 video was about manliness, which it wasn't, and anyway he was helping to keep focus on Tao. Tao had taught him that even humiliation was useful, right? Tao had taught him no such thing.

But the absolute worst was the news, dumped on him by none other than Sehun, that security was sneaking guys up to his rooms.

Tao was completely heartbroken. He realized at that point that he had been holding on to hope that they would fix things. That he could figure out a way to make Sehun happy. But the last week he hadn't been able to look at Sehun and had nothing to say to him.

Oddly enough, Sehun had started popping into his room and sitting down next to him at dinner and acting like nothing had happened during the last few months. Maybe having Tao give up had impressed on Sehun that he'd pushed too far.

Either way, Tao's energy, his passion, his dedication were all gone. He shouldn't let personal issues interfere with his job, but fuck, he'd loved, still loved Sehun. Fans, and even his Chinese countrymen had been fickle as hell and had abandoned him over and over again. It had been fine, it was part of the master plan. But Sehun's abandonment hurt so much. He'd had trouble getting up out of bed the last few weeks because of his broken heart and his helplessness to do anything about it.  It was the most out of control he'd felt in his life.

Tao leaned his forehead against the cool glass of the window and looked at the pavement fourteen stories below. For just a second, he wondered if it would hurt landing on concrete after a fourteen story fall.

He heard the door to Sehun's room open and winced. What was coming now? Sehun came to his side and stopped.

"Tao..." Sehun's voice cracked, but he didn't say anything else. Then Sehun started to cry and slid onto his butt on the carpet.

"Tao..."

Tao dug his nails into his palms. If Sehun was here looking for comfort because of some shit with the guy next door... Tears filled his own eyes.

Sehun grabbed his hand and pulled until Tao was sitting across from him. He realized beyond a doubt that he still loved Sehun when he found himself asking, "Did the guy next door hurt you? Do you need my help?"

Sehun pulled his hands free and covered his face. Tao still made out his words when he said, "There is no guy. There's never been a guy. I just... You quit paying attention to me, so I had to..."

Tao turned and leaned against the wall. He didn't know how to feel about that information. He was overjoyed. He was seriously hurt. He had a fleeting concern about issues with trust. But before any of that...

"Sehun, did you stop taking your Lithium?"

Still crying into his hands, Sehun nodded. Then he turned a desperate look toward Tao. "Help me."

Tao nodded. "First, go get your pills.”

"They won't help," Sehun sobbed.

"I know." Early in their relationship Tao had researched bipolar so he could be what Sehun needed. He'd read about it and had talked to psychiatrists in order to understand it better. Here now, since Sehun had come to him, he would use that. "Would you do it for me, then?"

"Ok, but it won't help. Nothing will help. I've ruined everything." With that he shuffled to his room and came back with a little brown prescription bottle. After Tao had a pill down Sehun's throat, he pulled him to rest against his chest.

After a while, Sehun spoke.

"I just wanted to be in control." Tao just listened. "You've always been in control. And Kris took control of his life. Then you took control of the rest of members' lives."

Tao wanted to argue with that but kept silent.

"Everyone was moving but me and it scared me. I felt like I was watching everyone leave me.” Sehun whispered. “It’s because I've always been the baby. They all think of me as the baby. I call myself the baby." Sehun craned his neck to look at Tao. "You think I'm a baby."

Tao wanted to argue that even more, but still said nothing.

"You were working so hard arranging everyone's lives, taking them away from me. I was thinking that they were the babies. Why couldn't they manage their own lives and careers? They were using you up. I was going to do better. I needed to grow up, stop being the baby, and take control before you stopped respecting me and stopped loving me."

Tao kept hearing the 'control' theme in Sehun's somewhat jumbled thoughts. He was sure now that the nightmare of the last few months was chemical in nature. One doctor had used anorexia as an example of brain chemical imbalance. A predisposed person would come to feel that they have no control over anything except what they put in their mouths. Each bite they denied themselves was happiness because they were controlling something.

"You were taking SM's control and giving it to the others." he continued. "They were stepping out of their EXO clothes all because of you. They... you left me behind." He dropped his head again. "I was so mad at you. Sometimes I hated you."  He whispered, "The only thing in this whole world I had control over was this." He held up his prescription bottle.

Listening to the pain and fear that had been in Sehun's mind, tears started rolling down Tao's cheeks.

"If I can't make it on my own now, what am I going to do for the rest of my life?" A sob escaped Sehun as he started down another, marginally related path. "I love you," the barbed wire around Tao's heart loosened, "but I can't have you take care of me forever."

Sehun fell quiet, tears and snot running down his face. When Tao thought he was finished for a while, he spoke.

"I'm not trying to take or give control," he said as he stroked Sehun's hair. "Control has nothing to do with it.  I'm trying to give you guys freedom. Baek and Chen and D.O. know they are world class singers and only want to sing. They want someone else to put them on the map. They want someone to put them in front of adoring fans and hand them a mic. They don't really care about the rest. And I'm working to do it for everyone; it's my job. That's what SM signed me to do."

"You don't think that makes them babies?"

Tao laughed. "Divas maybe. Babies, never." He wiped Sehun's face with a corner of the beadspread. "Can you keep the EXO part of our lives separate? For that part, can't you look at me as your agent? I'm here to get you into the public eye."

Sehun hiccupped another sob and started down yet another road. "But what for? I don't have anything. I can't sing and I'm, at best, third in the line of dancers. Everyone would laugh at me if I was on my own."

"You're thinking about this wrong," Tao said patiently, wondering if he'd be able to stop Sehun's self generating slide into personal desolation. He maneuvered them so that they were sitting lotus style facing each other. "Only worry about now. Right now you're EXO's Sehun. Using just what you have and who you are, nothing more, nothing less, you have more Instagram followers than any of us. 2.6 million, Sehun. Do you have any idea how big a number that is? Hell, you just found a super model from America following you." Tao found a smile for Sehun. “SM didn’t do that; you did.”

Tao could tell that Sehun was listening to every word with something that looked like desperation.

"I'm so impressed I could shit,” Tao shook his head and laughed ruefully. "My job is to be the lightening rod, the one who gathers the attention so I can point it at EXO. I should have more followers than anyone, but you've beat me." Tao smiled gently. "I worry and fret and plot my every post and you beat me by just being your amazing self."

"I'm Sehun of EXO. Fine. Good. What do I do after EXO. I don't have anything else."

"Don't decide it now." Tao said patiently and took Sehun's hands. "Tell you what, every year on New Year's Eve let's talk about this. I damn well won't do this forever so let's talk about whether some future possibility has caught our eye, and if so, what we can do to start preparing for it."

Sehun looked desperate again. "Does that mean you only want to talk to me on New Year's Eve?"

Tao realized that words were going to have no impact on Sehun at this point and wouldn't until he got enough Lithium back in Sehun's body to break the blood brain barrier. It would be days, maybe weeks for them to see any noticeable progress with more levelling out for months.

Before Tao could answer, Sehun started sobbing again. "I treated you so horribly. I'm a terrible person. I'll never be able to make it up to you. I'll never be able to fix it. You'll never be able to forgive me."

Thinking this was no time for platitudes, and just being so tired, Tao just took the statements one at a time and answered honestly. "Yes, you treated me horribly. I do know, though, that it wasn't the real Sehun."

"It's not." Sehun grabbed Tao's hands. "I promise, it's not. I just...shouldn't have stopped my meds." Tao knew that Sehun knew it, but at the same time, didn't.

Tao nodded. "You are not a terrible person. You are a person who didn't take his meds. As for making something up to me? All you need to do is bring my Sehun back." Adding the word 'my' might have been wrong, taking away the idea that Sehun should do it for himself, but Tao hoped it gave Sehun a bit of security and something to move towards, something to keep him taking his pills. Something he wasn’t 100% sure he wasn’t too tired and too hurt to deliver.

Tao moved back to sitting against the wall and thumped his head back. "There's nothing to forgive. If you had done something to me on purpose..." He shrugged. "But you didn't. I just want you better."

Tao fell silent until Sehun finally crawled in front of him, fear on his face. "You didn't say anything about fixing it."

"I love you. It's not a thing that can be broken or fixed." He touched Sehun's face and then let his hand drop. "I am fucking tired though. And hurt. I can let the public EXO stuff and other shit go. Telling me you were sleeping with other guys..." Tao couldn't stop the tears. "I can't live with you doing that to me, even if it is a lie."

"Tao," Sehun sounded frantic. “I’m...

"So," Tao interrupted, "I love you. It's not broke so there's nothing to fix. But my heart hurts. So does yours. If you want to fix something, take your meds and don't stop taking them ever again."

"And then happily ever after?" Sehun asked in a desperate whisper.

He laughed tiredly, "Happily ever after."

They still had a few concerts left and Tao wondered how he was going to make it through. The pills were starting to have some affect but not necessarily in a helpful way. As the Lithium started changing the chemicals in Sehun's brain, he seemed to be dazed all the time and walked around perpetually confused. Tao was struggling to smile and wave and dance and still keep Sehun constantly on his radar. He wasn't sure Sehun wouldn't fall off the stage or wander out into traffic.

Sehun's head started to clear by the last concert, but he was waffling between being the old happy Sehun and being in a funk. Tao at least didn't have to worry about him injuring himself. But then near the end of the concert, Sehun disappeared off the stage altogether.

Frantic, Tao didn't know what to do. He shouldn't dash off the stage to find him, but was having awful flashes of...he didn't know what.

He breathed his way through the rest of the concert hoping that the staff had at least noticed Sehun and was keeping an eye on him.

As soon as the concert was over, he flew off the stage, ran to the nearest bathroom and puked his guts up. He sat for a time on the stall floor with his head on his knees, the red light of the exit sign taunting him behind his eyelids. Just for a second and then another second, his muscles would twitch in a move to get up and run out of the building.  Guilt at wanting to run away, to abandon all this shit was tearing at him when he felt a hand stroking his hair. It was Suho.

Evidently not caring that it was a bathroom floor, he sat next to Tao, put his arm around Tao's shoulder and pulled him close.

"You're doing great," Suho said with a smile. "You're doing great," he repeated.

"Sehun..."

"He's fine," Suho interrupted.

After a few minutes of Suho stroking Tao's hair, he said, "Let's take a vacation."

Tao barked a watery laugh. The idea was ludicrous.

"Seriously," Suho said. "I've read that sunlight is amazing at helping people like Sehun get better.”

Tao looked at him sharply. "You know that?"

Sehun turned and looked Tao in the eyes. "You’re my EXO family, my EXO brothers; I truly care about all of you." He laughed.  "I'm mom."  He scratched his cheek. "I shouldn't tell you this, but since there are three of you who suffer, I've made it a point to understand it."

Tao gasped. Three? He hadn't had a clue about that. Tao suddenly didn't feel as alone. The relief was staggering and he threw himself into Suho's arms.

"We only have a few days, but let's find the sunniest, most beautiful place and go, just the three of us."

"You'll go?" No way would Tao try to talk him out of it.

"There's no way I'd send you alone on a trip with him and expect you keep him medicated, fed, dressed and safe from falling into the ocean."

He saw himself sitting on the bow of a yacht in blindingly bright sunshine, relaxing until warm, warm sun turned his bones to sand, watching Sehun doze with a lazy smile on his face.

Suddenly in desperate need of this, he said to Suho, "Yes. Let's do it."

Goal in mind, Tao became a machine. He burnt up his smart phone and his black card making arrangements for flights, a hotel, reservations for relaxing activities and restaurants. Nothing like being turned away at a Jet Ski rental or fine restaurant was going to hamper these few days. He'd buy the damned resort before he'd let even one thing go wrong.

As soon as Tao had asked Sehun about the vacation, he noticed a new brown satchel appear in Sehun's hands. It was constantly clutched to his chest even in sleep. When he saw the fan images later, he counted Sehun clutching the bag to at least five shirts before they even left on vacation.

Tao learned that the bag contained his meds. The uncertainty of the vacation and change in routine and his ability to handle it had Sehun frightened. It gave Tao a lot of hope knowing that the idea of missing even one pill scared Sehun. Sehun truly didn't want to slide back into that horrible, dark pit where his mental illness waited.

After they got back, Tao was beyond happy to see Sehun's Instagram plastered with happy, sunshine bright vacation photos. He also saw a photo he hadn't known Sehun had taken; a frangipani. Did Sehun know the meaning, or did he just think it was pretty? Tao didn't know, but as he imagined Sehun's frame of mind when he took it, he was happy either way.

One month later:

Tao and Sehun sat snuggled together sharing a popcorn and watching a movie on Tao's laptop. Sehun felt so damn good tucked by his side and Tao felt happy and content.

Actually this was the first night that he would say carried no baggage from this last six months. But it had been fine, Tao and Sehun had dealt with the baggage together and Tao felt a stronger commitment and connection to Sehun than ever.

After the meltdown in that hotel room weeks ago, Sehun took his pills as promised. Having his head straight made a huge difference in their lives, but it didn't get rid of Sehun's guilt.

And Tao got it. He knew, thanks to his efforts to understand what Sehun had to deal with, that recovering from the imbalance of chemicals in Sehun's brain caused the guilt.

Discussions on mental health issues by lay people often devolved into comparisons with diabetes and high blood pressure, but while most people would nod and express sympathy, deep in their hearts there was no empathy. Most people had it in the back of their mind that they got up each morning and took care of life even when they didn't want to, even in spite of their own problems. Since they couldn't understand the mental illness, which didn't show up as the results of a blood test or anomalies on a cat scan, they often ended up resenting and judging the ill. People with healthy brains couldn't help but think that way; they had no frame of reference.

So once Sehun's brain was brought back into balance, in other words, healthy, he resented and judged himself.

Tao had a very specific skill set that did not include any knowledge on how to help Sehun keep moving forward, so they'd gone to get counseling. It was good and getting better all the time. He’d even made a couple of appointments for just him. He had his own guilt for what he saw as his contribution to this. His thoughts of running away also plagued him. How could he leave any person, especially Sehun, to suffer like that alone? The therapist helped him accept his own humanity and remind him that he hadn’t left. In spite of his own monumental struggles, he’d taken Sehun’s hand hadn’t let go.

Now Tao was looking forward to the days that they could be together without Sehun sending him tiny fearful glances or holding onto his hand as though he could keep Tao from fleeing.   He looked forward to comfortable, relaxed laughter and love.

He thought today was maybe that day.

"Tao?"

"Hmm."

"I was thinking about our vacation later this year."

Tao turned fully in Sehun's direction, knowing that Sehun's next words would say a lot about how things were going and where they stood.

"How about spending it with my parents? I haven't seen them in a long time."

Tao grinned, tossed the popcorn bowl to the floor and pressed Sehun underneath him.

"Taking me home to meet the parents?"

"Well, I've met yours. And,” Sehun got that razor sharp look of intelligent wit on his face, "I think it's a good idea to get all the persons-in-law to know each other."

Tao smirked and pecked a kiss on Sehun's lips, then Sehun continued. "How do you feel about learning a third language?"

Tao raised a brow. "Uhm, any language in particular?"

Sehun pushed his fingers through Tao's hair. "French."

Tao's other eyebrow joined the first.

" _Veux-tu m’épouser_?"

 


End file.
